"Hello this is Sporer, reporting live from the NHL's western conference basement. Yes folks, that's 15th place. Right here in snowy, cold, bitter, once-a-time, city of champions."
So for the two people who voted in the poll that they thought the Oilers would be in last place at this time, congrats on being awesome. The Oilers sit in the oh so not coveted 15th seat.
Pretty bad when Ales Hemsky hasn't played in 14 games, yet still sits 3rd in team scoring. Dont anyone tell me we don't miss him.
A 7-2 bashing at the hand of the Blues?! Didn't they just play last night?! Oh I forgot, the Oilers go easy on teams when its their second game in 2 nights...(i.e. Nashville).
Shawn Horcoff is a -16, Patrick O'Sullivan is a team leading -17, Denis Grebeshkov is a -11, Bobby Nilsson is a -10, and J-F Jacques is a -13. That's $14.1 million, paid out for a combined -67. That's just not NHL calibre whatsoever. If I were GM Tambellini, Id get rid of each and every one of the players named above.
Ethan Moreau's guide on how to be an NHL captain:
Take 7 minutes in penalties, going after a kid both half your size and age, then fighting his grampa, taking only 1 measly shot on net, and all of this in 15:49 of ice time!
I'm pretty sure that Zach Stortini, against Tampa Bay, scored a goal, assist, got in 2 fights, had a minor penalty for roughing, took 1 shot (which he scored on, now that's making em count), and was a +1. All in 6:22 of ice time..................and Ethan Moreau dons the "C".
Best shooting % on the team? Mike "mono" Comrie. Worst? Try and guess....
I'm 36 years of age, I have a measly 6 apples, which I guess weighs out my -6. I wear an "A" because I'm a "leader". All of this I provide for only $2.7 million a season....as much as Zach Bogosian, Joe Corvo, Matt Greene, Anton Volchenkov, Adrian Aucoin, Luke Schenn, and Mathieu Schneider.
My name is Steve Staios...
Rumor has it, New Jersey is interested in Sheldon Souray.
The Oilers asking price:
-Some of your drive and determination
-Also taking on Shawn Horcoff's contract
-Also taking our "wily" old vets: Steve Staios, Ethan Moreau, Jason Strudwick, and Nick Khabiboulin
-A new shoulder for Ales Hemsky
-Tips on how they made the Prudential Center so awesome.
Now, what would all the Oilers like for Christmas?
Ales Hemsky: a new shoulder, then someone that doesn't spoil his passes.
Andrew Cogliano: goal scoring/hands
Denis Grebeshkov: heart+a stick with extra sticky grip on the blade...
Dustin Penner: some thanks, and a team Canada sweater with his name on it
Ethan Moreau: A punching bag for frustrations, and early retirement
Fernando Pisani: a cure for Ulcerative Colitis (coulda been a great hockey player)
Gilbert Brule: all the respect he lost, given back (this young man, is a player)
Jason Strudwick: a couple concussions (so he quits playing....forever)
Jeff Deslauriers: bigger shoulder pads, and the Oilers goaltender of the year award
Jean-Francois Jacques: HANDS, and maybe just skill in general
Ladislav Smid: a bigger BBQ, another goal, and a good pat on the back
Lubomir Visnovsky: a couple inches of height and a little weight
Mike Comrie: for Hilary Duff to magically make his mono go away
Nikolai Khabiboulin: a 20 years olds back, and less money...
Patrick O`Sullivan: some REAL testicles, and maybe some guts too
Robert Nilsson: some thanks, then a new seat cushion, for those cold night up in the rafters....
Ryan Potulny: better linemates, and a new start with the big club
Ryan Stone: HANDS, and goal scoring
Sam Gagner: the player he is supposed to be to take over his body, and some DRIVE
Shawn Horcoff: a $3 million pay cut
Sheldon Souray: his real self back, and for blocking shots to become illegal
Steve Staios: skating speed, and just hockey sense
Tom Gilbert: some of those guts Patty`O got, and maybe a harder shot
Zach Stortini: the unsung hero award, and more icetime
Pat Quinn: a team with more heart
Tom Renney: more paper, and a new drawing board
Kelly Buchberger: plastic surgery on his lips and nose, hair plugs, and a deeper voice
Steve Tambellini: the heart to tell Kevin Lowe he did a shitty ass job, and pull the trigger on all his experiments...minus Penner of course.
Merrry Christmas from all of us here at SmithSporerHockey (its kinda just me these days)
-Sporer
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