Monday Morning Recap - On Time Edition

Finally! It's bloody Monday and my post is in on time! Enjoy!

Here are my NHL thoughts for the week...

1 a – Daily Oiler Bashing – No, I don't think Cole signs for anything less then the 4 million he is making now. It doesn't make sense for him to take a pay cut. He's only 30, is a potential 30 goal man and if he hits the open market, he is going to get paid. It's just that simple. It will be even worse for the Oilers if Cole is one of the best power-forwards on the market, then for sure he will be in high demand.

1 b – Despite the usual Oiler bashing, I'm a man and Ales Hemsky is making me eat my words. Mind you it's only two games, but if this is the beginning, then he is certainly going to look great in another team's colors because we all know Edmonton won't be able to pay to keep him when he's 27-28. Ha.

1 c – Drew, I have to admit, I am jealous of the Flames. I would take Kipper, Phaneuf, Iginla over Roli, Souray, Hemsky any day of the week. Although, I have to give a shout out to Turco, Zubov, Ribiero because of one simple reason: those three have a combined one ring. Your combined six have zero. Snap.

1 d – There isn't even any oil in Edmonton...

2 a – The skills competition. Brutal. Just brutal. Let's break it down...

Fastest Skater – Cogliano won, but didn't come close to the record set by a 34-year old Mike Gartner.

Freestyle Shootout – Wow. The major event of the night was a huge flop. If you saw the highlights, they only showed about four or five total dekes and yes, all of them were that bad. Dwight Howard of the NBA dons a Superman outfit and all Ovechkin can do is put on a hat and glasses? Common now.

Yougstars Game – I have never seen so many 2-on-1's been screwed up before in my life.

Shooting Accuracy – I guess we know why Malkin has lead the league in points the past year and a half.

Hardest Shot – Sporer, even though Souray didn't appear to 'even try', you can't argue when the defending champion sets the new Nhl record at 105.4 mph.

Elimination Shootout – This was the event I looked forward to the most. How the fuck does Shane Doan win?

2 b – The actual Allstar game. Awesome. Just awesome. Let's break it down...

2nd highest goal total in history
4-2 after the first, 8-8 after the second and 11-11 after the third
A 4-on-3 powerplay in OT
The home team favorite scoring the SO winner

2 c – Plus, my boy 4-4 scored a pair of goals, but was reluctent to unleash his patented bomb from the blueline.

2 d – All I wanted to see was Malkin-Ovechkin-Kovalchuk on a line together. Russia is going to be huge in Vancouver 2010.

3 a – Screw the salary cap, screw the economy and screw all of these other money problems, if Montreal doesn't trade for Vinny Lecavalier then I honesty think it will cost Bob Gainey his job. Did you hear the ovation he got? It was the loudest and longest of any of the players, including their own! It doesn't matter the price, you have to sell assets to acquire assets.

3 b – Tampa GM Brian Lawton has denied that he is shopping Lecavalier. Hmmmm... Didn't they say the same thing about Dan Boyle? Maybe this time, they won't get the short end of the stick in the deal.

3 c – Rumors had Edmonton dealing 3 players, 2 prospects, 2 1st rounders and a 3rd rounder for Vinny. Why this shit can't any of these rumors ever come true?

4 – Fighting in hockey. I think the solution I like best that I've heard is, abolish fighting in every league that isn't named the NHL. I don't personally watch any other leagues, so I don't really care about them, but this rule could have prevented the Don Sanderson death, the AHL incident earlier this week and future incidents that could happen; then you could almost relate fighting to... wearing a visor. In junior, the visor is mandatory, then you have an option in the NHL... same with fighting, it's outlawed in junior, then you have the option in the NHL.

5 – I gotta say, with all the talk about Montreal's hockey greats, it kind of got on my nerves. Now, I know we have had the discussion that you can't compare generations of hockey, but common, do you honestly think Rocket Richard would skate around Scott Neidermayer? Or Terry Sawchuk could stop Zdeno Chara's blast? Or Henri Richard winning 10 Stanley Cups? To me, heck no. The players are bigger, stronger, faster and the equipment has gotten larger, then smaller, but bulkier and let's not forget the no red-line and new obstruction rules too. In the end, it's nice to honor the people who have paved the way, but let's not carried away in saying they are the greatest ever.

Here are my non-NHL thoughts for the week...

1 a – Mike Tomlin has a chance to become the youngest coach to win the Superbowl. Impressive.

1 b – Jaime Dukes. He's the abnormally large black man who gives 'insight' to Sportsnet for their NFL coverage... Here is a sample of what kind of 'insight' he provides the Steelers to stop the Cardinals...

a) Stop the run
b) Pressure Kurt Warner
c) Stop the passing game

Is this guy f*cking retarded? What kind of insight is that?! My 15-year-old sister could have told the Cardinals that! Those are keys to stop every team, Pittsburgh is no exception! Basically, he is saying, 'stop their best players', well Genius, thank you for providing us with brand new information in the world of sports! Stop their best players! Geez, why the hell didn't I think of that? Now you see why I hate Sportsnet, because of these fuckin' goofs.

2 a – Duke Blue Devils. Ya boi. They should be the #1 team in the nation by Monday morning and laid a grade 4 beat down on some kindergarteners from Maryland. Greivis Vasquez from Maryland decided to give the Blue Devils some extra ammunition in the newspaper and, well, let's just say 'it backfired' would be a huge understatement. A 85-44 understatement.

2 b – Vasquez ended up with as many turnovers as he did points, 4.

3 – Another thing that irks me about sports broadcasters... When they mis-pronouce someone's name. Fuck that drives me up the wall, ESPECIALLY when it's a North American sport! And you know what, if it happens to be tennis, soccer, NASCAR, cricket or the mother fucking midget olympics, listen to some damn tapes and get the name right! Or better yet, if it's possible, ask the friggin' athlete themselves! So, fuck you Don Taylor and Mike Toth. This is why you are on a shitty, low-budget, no talent channel for gaylords.

4 a – Keys To The VIP. If you have never seen this show on the Comedy Network, PVR this shit. It's hilarious. Four guys gather two contestents who claim to be 'ladies-men' and pick-up extraordinaires and they send them to a night club to compete and be judged on their 'talent'. I watched one last night, and they had to use the line, 'you remind me of my friend Tyler, but don't worry, he's hot!' and the other guy had to sing the song from Aladdin, 'I can show you the World'. Pure gold. There is nothing better then seeing a guy be brought down ten notches by a female.

4 b – The guy who had to use the Tyler line got buuuuuurned. He says the line, the girl asks him to hold her glass, she turns around and walks away. Deep.

5 – Tennis. Man, I love this sport. The Aussie Open is on and it just reminds me of how many of these players I really like. The list starts and ends with Federer, possibly the greatest of all time and I damn well hope he dashes Nadal in the finals... IF Nadal makes it that far. Other players include: Roddick, James Blake, Gael Monfils, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Marat Safin.

5 b – It should be noted that, while I do love tennis, I do H-A-T-E women's tennis. Again, this is because I hate female sports period, tennis is no exception.

5 c – If you think the MLB has a steroid scandal on their hands, I think someone should break out the needle on those she-beast Williams sisters.

Cheers.
-Smith

p.s. Drew, as much as you hated my column on my hated athletes... Tom Brady does take it in the ass from Nadal without lube, fist style. BUT, here is something to cheer you up... Big Dion and Elisha. Beach style.